ConfessionsRubyAsp

7 Aug 2 min read

I Carry a Pain I Have Never Been Able to Fully Articulate

I am a woman in my late twenties, and I carry a pain I have never been able to fully articulate. People often tell me I am beautiful. Some say I have an overwhelming level of s*x appeal. Others describe my body as the kind that easily attracts men. At first, I received these comments as compliments. Today, they feel more like a burden. Every relationship begins in a similar way. A man meets me and is consistent. He calls daily, says all the right things, and speaks about marriage, meeting my family, and building a future together. He makes me believe that, at last, my prayers have been answered. However, after we become intimate, everything changes. The calls reduce. The messages become brief. The effort fades. The excuses begin. “I’ve been busy.” “I need space.” “I’m not ready for commitment.” Eventually, they leave. I have experienced this pattern with more than five different men—of different backgrounds, ethnicities, and professions—yet the outcome has always been the same. What is most painful is that I have also turned down many men out of fear. I began to question everyone who approached me. I would ask myself, “Do you genuinely like me, or are you only interested in my body?” Now, I find myself afraid of love. My friends are getting married, sharing family photos, and building homes. Meanwhile, I sit alone, asking God what I am doing wrong. Is it because I am attractive? Is it because I trusted the wrong people? Or have I simply been meeting men who never intended to commit in the first place? The most difficult part is the self-blame. Every failed relationship leaves me questioning whether I am the problem. I have cried until I had nothing left. I have prayed, fasted, and resolved never to open my heart again. I do not want another man who is only drawn to my body. I do not want another man who speaks sweet words without sincerity. I do not want another temporary connection. I simply want one man who will see my heart before my appearance—someone who will stay not because of what he can gain, but because he genuinely desires to build a life with me. So I ask: Am I doing something wrong? Or have I simply been unfortunate enough to repeatedly encounter the wrong men? Please be kind in your responses. I am already carrying enough pain.