RelationshipsMintMuscovy

28 Jun 3 min read

I Don't Even Know the Title for My Type of Pain

I really need to tell someone what happened because I've been carrying it around all day, and I honestly feel like crying every time I think about it. So there's this guy from my childhood. We were inseparable when we were kids. I had the biggest crush on him back then, and then life happened and we lost contact for over 17 years. When we reconnected recently, I realized those feelings had never really gone away. It felt like all the memories came rushing back for me. The sad part is that it seems like I'm the only one who still remembers how close we used to be. I was carrying all the nostalgia, while he barely remembered any of it. We started talking again, got close, and eventually slept together twice. Then we had a misunderstanding, he blocked me first and i did after. After almost 2months, he came looking for me, and we reconnected. At some point, he even asked if we could become a thing(that was when we had the first sex). At first I said no because I was trying to protect my heart, but over time I slowly started falling for him. Then he hit me with "take things slow." I kept asking what that actually meant because I wanted clarity, but I never really got a clear answer. Yesterday we both attended the same party. We didn't go together, but we knew we were going, we met there and everything seemed okay. After the party, I went to his place to take a shower because I didn't really have anywhere else to freshen up. He was actually the one who suggested I come over. While I was there, things became intimate. Before anything happened, I told him that I had a feeling my period might come. I wasn't sure it was just a feeling but I wanted him to know because I didn't want either of us to end up feeling bad. He asked if I knew for sure it would come that day. I told him no, I didn't know, I just had a feeling cause i have PCOS, people with it knows how period comes unannounced. He told me it was okay and that it was just the two of us, so I felt safe enough to let my guard down. We still used protection. We had barely been intimate for about two minutes when he stopped to check, and then he came back and told me my period had started. The moment he said that, everything changed. He became really quiet. The atmosphere completely changed. I went to the bathroom to clean myself up, and when I came back, my power bank, which had been in his bedroom, had already been moved to the sitting room. I can't explain why, but in that moment I just felt like I wasn't welcome anymore. I still walked up to him and apologized because I felt so embarrassed. Instead of comforting me, the next thing he said was, "You knew." That really hurt. I reminded him that I had literally told him beforehand that I only had a feeling my period might come. If I had known for sure, why would I have agreed to be intimate? I wasn't trying to deceive him. After that, he didn't really say much. I left without even saying goodbye because I felt so ashamed, he didn't escort or said goodbye either. Then, as I was leaving, another woman arrived in a car and walked toward his place. I honestly don't know who she was, so I'm not going to assume anything(eventually did), but after everything that had just happened, seeing that completely broke me emotionally. What hurts me is how embarrassed and rejected I felt afterward. If this exact thing had happened to one of my friends, I'd be the first person telling her, "It wasn't your fault." But for some reason, I can't believe those same words when they're meant for me. I've just been carrying this around all day, and I honestly don't know how to stop feeling so hurt.