FamilyAnonymous

3 Oct 4 min read

My husband and his mother don't want me to speak my language to my son

When I married my husband, I knew our families came from different backgrounds. I’m Efik, while my husband is Ijaw. I never thought our different cultures would become a problem because I believed marriage was about two people building a family together. I also wanted our son to grow up knowing both sides of his heritage. The problem started with my mother-in-law. The first time she heard me speaking Efik to my son, she calmly told me, “Stop speaking that language to him. He doesn’t understand it.” I laughed it off because she didn't sound hostile. I assumed she simply wanted the boy to understand the language spoken by his father's family. But I continued speaking Efik to him whenever we were together. Eventually, her request became a command. One afternoon, she heard me speaking Efik to my son and completely lost her temper. She shouted, “How many times do I have to tell you? Stop speaking that silly language to this boy! He doesn't understand you!” I was angry and told her that Efik was my language and there was nothing wrong with my son learning it. She immediately turned to my husband and started speaking rapidly in Ijaw. My husband was sitting right there. When I asked him what she was saying, he simply replied, “She didn't say anything. If she doesn't want you speaking that language to him, why don't you just stop?” That answer bothered me because it wasn't the first time he had refused to tell me what his mother said whenever she spoke Ijaw around me. So the next time it happened, I quietly picked up my phone and started recording. My mother-in-law didn't know I was recording. She spoke to my husband for several minutes, and this time I didn't interrupt them. Later, I sent the recording to someone who understood Ijaw and asked them to translate everything exactly as it was said. What I heard made my heart sink. According to the translation, my mother-in-law said she didn't want my son becoming “too attached” to my side of the family. She complained that if I continued speaking Efik to him, he would grow up “thinking like his mother's people” instead of identifying properly with his father's family. Then she said something that frightened me. She told my husband that I was gradually “taking the boy away from them” and that he needed to make sure the child understood that he was an Ijaw boy first. She reportedly told my husband that if I refused to stop speaking Efik, they should find a way to make me spend less time alone with my son. She even suggested that the boy should spend more time with his father's relatives so that he would “forget all these Efik things.” Then came the statement that completely broke me: “If she doesn't respect this family, one day she will leave, but the child will remain with us.” I listened to that part of the recording several times because I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This wasn't about language anymore. These people had apparently been discussing my son as though I had no right to decide how he should be raised. My mother-in-law was making plans around my child, and my husband was sitting there listening to everything. She even told him never to tell me what they discussed because, according to her, “She will use the language matter to start fighting everybody.” My husband never told me any of this. Instead, he came back to me and said, “Mummy didn't say anything serious. Just stop speaking Efik around the boy.” Now I am sitting here wondering what else has been discussed behind my back. I married an Ijaw man because I loved him. I never expected marrying into another culture would mean having to fight for the right to pass my own heritage to my child. I am not against my son learning Ijaw. In fact, I want him to know his father's language and culture too. But why should learning his father's identity require erasing his mother's? After hearing that recording, I no longer believe the argument was ever really about whether my son understood Efik. I now fear that the real battle is over who gets to control my son's identity—and where I, his mother, fit into that picture.