Adulting 101OliveGrass

30 Aug 2 min read

I’m Tired of Pretending I’m Fine… This Anxiety Is Slowly Taking Over My Life

I honestly don’t know how much longer I can keep living like this. Every single day feels like I’m fighting a battle inside my own body that nobody else can see. One minute I’m okay, and the next minute my heart is racing, my hands are shaking, and I’m overwhelmed by fear for no reason I can even explain. The worst part? I’m young, so sometimes I wonder if people will even take me seriously. You know how Nigerians can be. The moment you say you’re struggling mentally, somebody will tell you to “stop thinking too much”, pray harder, or remind you that other people have bigger problems. But this doesn't feel like ordinary worrying anymore. I’m constantly tense. Constantly scared. Constantly waiting for something bad to happen. Sometimes I just want to experience one full day without feeling like my body is permanently stuck in panic mode. There was a time I took medication that made me feel calm, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like myself again. I remember thinking, “So this is how other people feel every day?” Peaceful. Normal. Able to breathe without constantly feeling afraid. But I don't want to start taking things on my own just because I'm desperate to escape how I feel. And honestly, there are times I've made unhealthy choices just because I wanted the anxiety to stop for a while. Not because I want to destroy my life, but because I desperately wanted a break from the constant fear inside my head. The saddest part of everything is that I can't even talk freely to my mum about it. Because deep down, a huge part of what I'm struggling with started from home. Imagine needing comfort from the same person you feel contributed to the pain you're carrying. Imagine living with someone and constantly feeling anxious because of the things that have happened between you. I love my mum, but I'm also hurting. And I’m tired. Tired of shaking. Tired of overthinking. Tired of pretending I'm okay around everyone. Tired of being scared of my own feelings. I don't even know exactly what is wrong with me, and I don't want to keep diagnosing myself from things I see online. I just know that this isn't normal for me anymore, and I wish I could talk to someone who would actually listen without judging me. Maybe someone out there has felt this way too. How did you finally speak up when the person you needed to talk to was also part of the reason you were hurting?