FamilyBurstCorgi

19 Aug 4 min read

They Hurt Me, But My Partner Wants Me to Forgive Them

I never thought I would reach a point where the people I once considered family would become the reason I cry myself to sleep. I have been with my partner for almost five years, and throughout those years, we have faced difficult seasons together. I honestly believed that no matter what happened, we would always protect each other and stand up for one another. Everything changed when I had a serious issue with his family. It started with little comments and unnecessary arguments, but gradually became something much bigger. His mother and two of his siblings accused me of things I never did. They said I was trying to control him, that I had changed him, and that I was disrespectful simply because I started setting boundaries in our relationship. The situation eventually became unbearable. During a family gathering, his mother insulted me in front of everyone. I was embarrassed, hurt and completely humiliated, especially because my partner was sitting there. What broke my heart was that he didn't defend me. He just watched everything happen and later told me that I needed to understand that "families have misunderstandings." I tried to understand, but I couldn't understand why I was always expected to swallow the pain simply because they were his family. After that incident, I stopped visiting them. I didn't insult anyone, I didn't fight them, and I didn't tell my partner to stop seeing his family. I simply decided to keep my distance because I needed peace. Months later, my partner started complaining that his family was unhappy with me. According to him, they felt I had forgiven them but was deliberately punishing them by refusing to visit. I was honestly confused by that statement because, as far as I knew, nobody had apologized to me. His mother never called me. His siblings never reached out. Nobody admitted that what they did was wrong. Yet somehow, I was now the one being accused of holding a grudge. I told my partner that I was willing to forgive them because I didn't want to carry bitterness in my heart, but forgiveness did not mean I had to pretend nothing happened. I could forgive someone and still decide that I needed boundaries around them. That was when he became angry and accused me of making him choose between his family and me. That statement broke something inside me. I have never asked him to abandon his family. I have never told him to stop visiting them or speaking to them. All I have asked for is respect and the freedom to protect myself from people who have already shown me that they can hurt me without consequences. Last week, he told me that his family was planning a small gathering and his mother wanted me to attend. I asked him whether his mother had apologized for what happened. He went quiet for a few seconds before saying, "Do you really need an apology before you can move forward?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Maybe I am being stubborn. Maybe forgiveness really should come without an apology. But deep down, I know that what I want isn't revenge. I don't want anyone to suffer because of what happened to me. I simply want someone to acknowledge that I was hurt and that what they did was wrong. I want to hear, "We are sorry for what happened. We shouldn't have treated you that way." To me, that doesn't seem like too much to ask. An apology wouldn't erase what happened, but it would show me that they understand why I pulled away. Instead, my partner keeps telling me that I am destroying our relationship because I refuse to forgive his family. He says I should be the bigger person and let everything go for the sake of peace. But I keep asking myself: why does being the bigger person always seem to mean that the person who was hurt must make all the sacrifices? Why isn't anyone asking the people who caused the pain to take responsibility? I love my partner, and that's what makes this situation so difficult. I don't want his family to become the reason we lose each other, but I also don't want to lose myself just to keep everyone else comfortable. So I genuinely want to know what you would do in my situation. If your partner's family deeply hurt you but never apologized, would you forgive them anyway and move on for the sake of your relationship, or would you wait for an apology before allowing them back into your life?