ConfessionsLovedIsle

13 Oct 2 min read

How i was saved from same sex attraction

I was attracted to women for as long as I can remember. As a little girl, I didn't have a word for it, only a feeling I knew to hide. In secondary school I learned to giggle along when the other girls talked about boys, and to look away when my eyes lingered too long on someone. By university I had stopped pretending to myself, even if I still pretended to everyone else. I wasn't unhappy, and that's the part people don't expect. I had love, I had laughter, and I had a life I understood. But there was always a low hum of fear, like waiting for a phone call you know will bring bad news. I didn't give my life to Christ because I was desperate to change. I went to a midnight service with a friend, mostly out of loneliness. Somewhere in the worship, in a room full of people I didn't know, I felt something I had never felt in any room: held, without having to explain myself. I cried until my face hurt. When the pastor asked who wanted to surrender their life, I was already standing. What came after is hard to explain, and I won't pretend it was simple. The attraction didn't vanish overnight. There were months of prayer, fasting, and quiet bargaining with God. But slowly, the way a loud room goes still when someone important walks in, things went quiet. The longing that had defined me for years stopped being the loudest voice in my head. I can't fully tell you why. I only know that it did. I'm not writing this to tell any woman how to live, or to say my path is the path. I know women who prayed just as hard and walked a different road, and I won't pretend their faith is smaller than mine. This is only what happened to me. What I can say is that I'm no longer afraid of the phone call. I found a peace I didn't know I was allowed to have. For me, that was worth everything.