ConfessionsAnonymous

5 Jul 2 min read

I Wish I Never Had Children

I know the title alone will make many people judge me. Before you do, please hear me out. I love my children. I would do anything to protect them. If anyone tried to hurt them, I would stand in front of them without thinking twice. This isn't about not loving them. It's about something I've never had the courage to say out loud. Sometimes... I wish I never became a parent. Growing up in Nigeria, everyone made it seem like having children was simply the next step in life. Go to school. Get a job. Get married. Have children. Nobody ever asked if I was mentally, emotionally or financially ready. After my first child was born, my life changed overnight. Sleepless nights. Bills that never seemed to end. School fees. Hospital visits. Constant worry. Every decision I make now revolves around someone else. I can't remember the last time I spent money on myself without feeling guilty. I can't remember the last time I truly rested. Sometimes I look at my friends without children. They travel. They sleep whenever they want. They make decisions without thinking about who depends on them. Then I look at my own life... And I quietly wonder what mine would have looked like if I had made different choices. The painful part is that I can't tell anyone this. If I tell my family, they'll call me ungrateful. If I tell my friends, they'll think I don't love my children. If my children ever heard these thoughts, it would break their hearts. So I carry the guilt alone. Every single day. I still wake up early to prepare them for school. I still work hard to provide for them. I still hug them before they sleep. Nothing about these thoughts has changed the way I care for them. But deep inside... I sometimes miss the person I used to be before I became a parent. Maybe I'm just exhausted. Maybe I'm burnt out. Maybe I'm a terrible person. I honestly don't know anymore. Has any parent ever felt this way? Or am I completely alone?