FamilyJinxHoney

4 Sept 3 min read

I THINK MY MUM IS SABOTAGING MY LIFE SO I CAN NEVER LEAVE HER

I’ve been wondering whether my mum’s love has become control. She has sacrificed for me, and I’m grateful, but whenever I talk about becoming independent, moving away, accepting work, or making decisions without her, she reacts as though I’m rejecting her. Her idea of safety seems to require me to remain close, available, and dependent. I’m beginning to question whether I’ve been taught to distrust my own judgment. I first noticed this during NYSC. I was posted to Port Harcourt and began learning digital marketing. Three months before my POP, my mentor offered me a junior position in Lagos paying ₦180,000 monthly, with a three-month probation. It wasn’t guaranteed, but it was a real opportunity to build a career. I had planned how to share accommodation, commute, and manage my expenses. I only wanted my mum to help me think through the risks. Instead, she focused on everything that could go wrong and told me not to go. She said Lagos was too expensive and dangerous and that I would return home crying. Then she promised to help me find something locally. I trusted her and declined the job. Six months later, I was still at home, while the person who took the role had been promoted. After that, every opportunity came with a warning. Remote work might be a scam. Training might waste money. Volunteering was pointless. Saving money meant I should contribute more at home. Whenever I acted without her approval, she accused me of being secretive or too independent. She rarely offered alternatives that moved me closer to independence. I began to feel that she objected not to every decision, but specifically to those that reduced my dependence on her. When I eventually planned to move into a shared apartment, she reminded me of everything she had sacrificed and asked, “After all I’ve done for you, you want to leave me?” I thanked her for her support, but I also asked whether she expected me to live at home forever. She said I needed a better job, more savings, and a more secure plan, but there was always another condition. Family members also called to say I was abandoning her. Nobody asked whether staying home was damaging my confidence or future. I don’t want to abandon my mother. I want to become an adult who can support myself, make mistakes, and build a life without needing permission for every step. I also recognise my own responsibility. I have allowed her disapproval to make decisions for me, and I have used it to avoid risk. But that does not make the pattern harmless. Maybe she isn’t deliberately sabotaging me. Maybe she is afraid of becoming unnecessary, lonely, or forgotten. I can understand her fear without allowing it to define my life. I can love her, support her, and still move out. I can call, visit, and contribute when I’m able, but I cannot promise never to leave or make decisions she dislikes. I’m now focusing on practical steps: saving, verifying jobs and accommodation, keeping important documents safe, building my skills, and seeking advice from people who don’t control me. I also need to stop asking for permission to have a future. Privacy is not deception, and her discomfort is not proof that I’m wrong. Protection helps you assess risks and prepare. Control creates fear, guilt, confusion, and dependence. I don’t need to prove that my mum is evil before setting boundaries. I can say, “I know you’re worried, but I’ve considered this carefully, and I’m going to proceed.” I’m learning that gratitude does not require me to remain small. I can honour my mother’s sacrifices by using the opportunities they made possible, not by giving up my autonomy. I may feel guilty while I act, and she may never fully approve, but adulthood sometimes means making responsible decisions without receiving the blessing you hoped for. Maybe my mum is holding on to the version of me who needed her for everything. But I cannot remain that person forever. I still feel afraid. I still feel guilty. I still love her. And I still want to go.